You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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