Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
