I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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