Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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