ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
