I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
