Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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