dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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