Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just saw a hot homeless man
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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