Soap is not a condiment
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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