Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
