my shit smells like andre
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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