Someone shit on the floor
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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