On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
