Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
