I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
