I looked at my own cervix.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
