I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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