Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
