If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
