I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
