Ambien. No doubt about it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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