What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize