saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
