does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
