Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
