Im at strip club and am horny
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
