I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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