Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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