I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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