it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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