As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
