The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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