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so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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