New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
