Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
