Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
