They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
