So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
