well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
