Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you win again, gameday.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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