There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
