Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
