as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
