i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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