When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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