I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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