Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize