Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
