Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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