I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize