We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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