What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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