I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
