and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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