It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
