sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
