Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They took my balls.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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