I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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