Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
