You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
