Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
